Bern’s Steak House
1208 S. Howard Avenue
Tampa, FL 33606
(813) 251-2421
As I mentioned at the end of my Momofuku Ko post (let’s see how many times I can link to that before it gets lame and obscure), I recently went to Tampa, FL for a little self-imposed Spring Break. Matt had an actual one and I used it as an excuse to take off a few days myself. Not a Girls-Gone-Wild, ‘zongs in the wind, STD swapping type Spring Break (I’m too old for that), but rather a relax in the sun, learn how to golf, eat well, grill outdoors, and read Toobin’s The Nine type Spring Break. That’s just how Matt and I roll. Like 70 year old retirees.
And we love it.
Golf was fun. Matt bought me my first Yankees cap at Legends Field (now known as Steinbrenner Field) before the Spring Training game we caught. Beach was pleasant. Weather was gorgeous, but let’s call a spade a spade. I was most excited for our meal at the famous Bern’s Steak House.
When we first decided to go to Tampa (his grandfather has a vacation home there) back in February, the first things we thought of were our meals, which nights we’d cook, which nights we’d eat out, where, etc. Matt began to tell me about this magical, mystical steak house called Bern’s where the wine menu totaled approximately 150 pages, the food menu was 18 pages, and there was a separate room for desserts. I was transfixed by these tales and we immediately made a reservation.
When you enter the restaurant, you form two immediate impressions: 1) you’ve walked into the interior design lovechild of Louis XIV and a New Orleans whore house and 2) you’re somewhere quite fancy pants for typically laid back Tampa. It’s dim inside with all dark red and gold and mirrors, and, although the restaurant has at least four separate sizable dining rooms (plus one dessert room), the place is quite quiet without having that uptight library hush most upscale joints possess.
Now me being the person that I am, I had already read through the 18 page menu several times, so we already had a good idea of what we were getting. In fact, we knew exactly what we were getting. From the massive steak chart, we had chosen the 1 3/4″, 19 oz. strip sirloin for two, medium rare, of course. Each steak comes with a mixed salad, onion rings, carrots, baked potato, French onion soup, and a vegetable “tasting” that changes daily. On our day, it was sauteed string beans.
Did I mention that all the produce comes from Bern’s own gigantic organic farm? Also that they have a 500 gallon (or something like that) fish tank for all their seafood? That they have a separate room for dessert and after dinner drinks? And that they have the largest private collection of wine in the WORLD? Yes, the world.
After a starter of delicious oysters (from both coasts) served with an astounding truffle mignonette, cocktail sauce, green Tabasco granita, and horseradish sorbet, we moved on to our little silver bowls of soup, which were average, but tasty. After that were our mixed salads, Matt’s with a fairly impressive wasabi green goddess dressing and mine with one bowl of that and one bowl of the macadamia nut vanilla vinaigrette. Unfortunately for my savory-loving tastebuds, the vanilla vinaigrette could (and should) have been served over apple pie.
Then came the main event: the steak. Brought to our table whole, the steak was divided up in front of us by our kind, albeit constantly panting, waiter.
The steak was a touch more rare than medium rare, but we’re not the complaining type and don’t really mind rare meat so we didn’t say anything.
The strip sirloin also came with a portion of filet mignon to round off the 19 ounces of steak that we were promised because they cut the inedible tail off the strip, but feel the need to replace those lost ounces with some filet. A little nutty and completely unnecessary, right? Yeah, that pretty much explains the entire experience at Bern’s, right down to the five million complimentary side dishes and a piano player with a phone for request calls (coming from phones in the dessert booths).
The steak was tender and delicious, but I would have appreciated it cooked a shade more. We then opted to take the kitchen tour after our entrees, but before dessert. Each station in the vast kitchen was pointed out to us quickly by a nervous, but courteous waiter-in-training, including the salad station and the cheese “caves” (walk-in refrigerators). We were then passed off to one of the sommeliers (also nervous, but polite) who took us into the frigid wine cellar and showed us rows upon rows of floor to ceiling shelves filled with thousands of bottles, the oldest of which dated back to the late 1700’s, the most expensive of which was approximately $10,000. The wine collection is so huge that most of it is stored in a warehouse next door though.
Next, we mounted some stairs to the Harry Waugh Dessert Room. You can read all about Harry in the dessert menu. Something about Bern having had dessert and coffee in Waugh the wine genius’s drawing room once. For dessert, I had a key lime pie, which turned out to be more like a lime tart with a buttery crust covered in a mountain of whipped cream. Not quite key lime pie, but still deliciously light and citrus-y. Matt had some outrageous peanut butter chocolate chip pie cake concoction.
We were in the room with the aforementioned piano player who looked like that sadistic French instructor, Mr. Cleary, from School Ties. You knowwww, the jerk who drives McGivern crazy because he can’t recite the monologue and then the (hot) guys seek revenge by somehow placing his precious car in the teacher’s apartment?
Remember him!?
Our own piano playing Mr. Cleary
He played everything from Piano Man to Margharitaville. It was entertaining and weird. Made all the weirder by the decor of this area of the restaurant that looked like the inside of a Ranch-style house from the 1970’s (lots of dark wood, amber colored lamps, red leather, bricks).
This restaurant is full of a lot of gimmicks and odd touches, but that’s where its charm lies. Gimmicks like the piano man phone and the plastic covered toilets (press the green button and a new sheath of plastic comes sliding on counter clockwise while the old plastic slides back into the machine):
Despite the sometimes inexplicable decor, the slightly overbearing service, and, in our case, the undercooked steak, a good time was had by all. An expensive good time, sure, but it’s quite an experience to sit down to all these options, a veritable cornucopia laid at your feet, just for one gluttonous evening.
Dinner for Two:
- 12 Oysters - $35.95
- 19 oz. Strip Sirloin for Two - $75.42
- Bottle of Red - $49
- Key Lime Pie - $8
- Peanut Butter Choc. Chip Pie - $9
- Espresso - $4
- Total (excluding tax and tip) = $181.37
